Children's Day 2020: Top 10 Jokes That Will Make You Laugh ...

‘I Hate It with Both My Eyes!’
This article got me thinking, as I often do, about funny expressions :) What are some expressions u love, in any language? (Please provide an english translation unless it is in english). Timeless beauty to my fave.
The full article is below, for interested people:
I’m trying to teach my kids the sharp specificity of my native Kashmiri, even though they don’t speak the language.
By Priyanka Mattoo
Sept. 8, 2020
I didn’t speak any English when we arrived in Britain from India, so my first week of nursery school was a bust. My teachers radiated sweetness, but that couldn’t traverse the fact I didn’t speak their language, nor they mine. I was mute and dispirited until that first Friday, when Mum asked how my day was. I looked at her, askance, and supposedly said, in English, “Oh! You no speak English?”
From that first sentence, my adopted language and I tumbled head-over-heels in love. Since then I’ve taken years of French, majored in Italian and started to study Spanish, forever chasing the high of that original linguistic click. But my favorite language in the world will always be my mother tongue, Kashmiri.
Kashmiri is a magnificent tongue-twister of a language. And it’s such a reflection of the core values of my people — so sharp, funny and specific — that I end up reaching for it in situations that can’t be described in English. I’ll call our toddler a “khin-metz,” a snot-smeared, wild-eyed child. “Na ho’t kun, te na lo’t” (“This has neither neck nor tail”) might sprout from my mouth over a meandering book, a toddler outfit or a friend’s new weird boyfriend. Then my favorite, “don ech’hin chhum kharan!” (“I hate it with both my eyes!”), which is useful in any circumstance, from decor choices to bad haircuts.
The language, like my family, is wildly affectionate. We might not have the words for “I love you,” but my mother greets our kids with a barrage of adoration. “Myon zuv!” (“my life!”) she squeals on FaceTime. “Shoosh myon, redhu myon, poot myon!” (“my lungs, my heart, my teeny-tiny baby chick!”)
But it’s not all smothering tenderness. As a culture that values achievement, we were raised with a high-drama approach to parenting: If a cousin didn’t feel like studying, my aunt might say “accha, tel’i dimmuv kitaa’bun naar?” or “great, so should we set the books on fire?” A messy teen, I was daily awarded a “gold medal” in “tsot vahravun,” or “carelessly tossing garbage about.” On our most maddening days, we might hear “khash kar’ai,” a warning which literally means “I’ll cut you.” (I swear it sounds much cuter and less murderous in person.)
Mind you, no one ever lifted a finger against us. With that kind of imagery they didn’t have to. In my own parenting, I admit that my native tone can sometimes alarm the children. “If you turn that corner, you’ll get kidnapped,” I toss out, casually. “What!? That’s terrifying!” screams my son, screeching his new bike to a halt. Is it? Not to a woman raised with imaginary textbooks aflame, or shrugging off threats of a knifing.
That said, I’m ashamed to say I don’t really speak a lot of Kashmiri at home. I understand it completely, but after multiple rounds of unrest and moving around to places with other languages, many of my generation grew up replying to our parents in Hindi or English. Also, because of our exodus, I was raised with a stronger-than-usual emphasis on preserving the culture, the food, the language, and I felt that duty deeply.
Of course this extended to marrying within the community, so I tried to meet a nice Kashmiri boy — I really did. Strangely, it wasn’t that easy to find one, working in entertainment, in Los Angeles, in the early aughts. So I met and married a wonderful guy from New York, who doesn’t speak one word of Kashmiri (although he’d probably love to), and we speak English together.
The joy of raising dual-culture children, for us, is about passing down the best of both worlds. My husband is Jewish, so when the kids are of age they’ll start taking steps toward their bar and bat mitzvahs, a proper training in their Jewish heritage. We’ve certainly got Kashmiri food, holidays and attire on lock, but I do feel the failure of falling so far behind on the language front — I’m now wondering how to build our children a bridge to the language that I adore.
Normally the kids, ages 2 and 6, could spend a chunk of the summer with my parents, who would immerse them in it. But this summer isn’t exactly normal, so any cultural lessons are on pause. In the meantime, I’ve been watching closely, collecting scraps of evidence that an inherent love of words — any words, even if they’re not Kashmiri — will blossom in both of my children.
Between their parents’ being writers and the miracle of DNA, I seem to be in luck. “A spectacular baby!” our son called our daughter when he was 4. He tears through his chapter books, bursting into the room, bushy hair on end, to ask for definitions: Perplexed! Secretary! Brassiere! We give him most, and fumfer around others, especially when he gets into the newspaper. He does that thing that all voracious readers do, where he knows how to read a word, and what it means, but not how to pronounce it (“BRACE-ee-uhr!”). I remember being embarrassed by that, because it turns out “misled” is not pronounced MY-zuld, but eventually recognized it as a proud badge of bookworms everywhere. He notices my delight at his verbal curiosity, and plays around with it.
“I need to tell you something the baby does when you’re not around.” he said to me, solemn, when she was 1. “She makes up long words, and says them in a clear voice.”
He knew nothing would make me happier, or more frustrated. There’s the sharp, funny and specific that I love.
He also may have willed something into being, because the toddler isn’t far behind. She shows a strong preference for the more toothsome parts of the dictionary. The standard “Hi!” and “Dada” quickly gave way to octopus (“oppodippo!”), helicopter (“hakaliko!”), and jalapeño (“jalapeño”).
We watch her roll a new word around in her mouth, use it in a brief, take-charge sentence (“Oppodippo, sit, watch me eat oatmeal!”), and then practice it in her crib until she falls asleep. Her bravery in the face of consonant clusters will serve her well, if and when she picks up Kashmiri. She’s even invented her first joke, which you’ll have to grade on a curve, because she’s a baby:
Knocky Knock!
Who’s there?
OK!
In these moments, seeing them delight in using words in a way that is creative and quick-witted, I do feel some inner peace, knowing for sure that I’m raising Kashmiri kids after all. They may not understand the language yet, but there’s still time for grandparents and lessons and textbooks. And the other night, as we put the baby to bed, she lay down in her crib, smiled up at Dada, and said, clear as a bell, “Dishwasher.” Intention set, she cuddled in with her lovies, to practice her new favorite word. An affectionate, ridiculous chatterbox Kashmiri through and through. Myon redhu, myon shoosh, myon zuv.
My heart, my lungs, my life.

Priyanka Mattoo is a writer and filmmaker in Los Angeles.

CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP
“OK”, I think to myself, “We’re traveling at 120 knots, due wet, i.e., offshore, in a vintage BELL 412 SP/EP. Yep. Oh now look: 121 knots.”
So far, so good.
“No compass. Radiotelephone was non-responsive. VHF, HF, and UHF radios are all kaput.” I note, “We’re tailgating behind another newer crew transport helicopter because we’re carrying specialty bespoke hyper-magnetic logging and retrieval tools. Of course, no chopper’s that shielded against magnetic flux of that magnitude.”
I spy a blood-red, rapidly flashing warning light blinking merrily “1-2 AHRS FAIL”. This warning light’s blinking, meaning all electronic helicopter heading information and guidance was completely lost.
But, we expected that, right?
Now, I’m certified to fly rotary wing aircraft as I have over 1,500 hours of stick and rudder time, and a US/Russian license. But there’s the rub, we’re not in the US. Oddly enough, I can fly choppers in Mother Russia. It might be time to let my employers know this fact. With my dual license, I’d just have to send the properly-acknowledged documents to the proper ministry.
That fact alone would give my sponsors the jibblies if I only would let on…
We’re currently thrashing the hot and humid summer air into submission about 300 meters above the Persian Gulf just offshore of a very small GCC Arabic peninsular country known as Qutur, headed for their Norse Field. It is the world’s largest non-associated gas field (Reinick & Blandings, 1997), meaning its reservoirs contain only natural gas and no oil, but they do contain condensate.
Why? Because I’m the goddamned Chief Geologist out here, and the cement-headed drillers twisted off the BHA, or bottom hole assembly, at 27,459 feet measured along hole; as the well was a long-reach lateral. It wasn’t horizontal nor vertical, but approximately 45⁰ along the trajectory when the driller fell asleep, was out getting a blowjob or doing something other than watching the goddamn Martin-Decker; the big gauge that indicates the weight on the bit at the bottom of the hole.
The torque built, the BHA stopped spinning, the mud system clabbered up, the bit and mud motor along with the directional gear seized up and snapped right the fuck off the drill string.
Now I have a ‘fish’ at the bottom of an over 5-mile deep hole and I can’t latch on, in, or over the damned thing. And the fuck if I’m spending the money in sidetracking around the fucking fish. Bottom hole temperatures here are reaching ‘HELL’, or Hostile Environment Logging Level and are HPHT, High Pressure, High Temperature, intensities of over 175⁰ C and pressures in excess of 25K psig bottom hole in the Kruff Formation of Permocarboniferous age.
Plus there’s H2S, CO2, and nasty ol’ nitrogen. N2 forms noxious and toxic compounds with down-hole gasses and oils, and loads of high-API gravity (60⁺⁾ hot, high-pressure condensate.
I’d rather spend some time with a tricked out, high-powered, ‘rip your fillings out if you’re Slavic’ high intensity, ubermegagauss fishing magnet and go in with a ream and junk basket to try and drill it up. Rather than have to drop a cement plug, set a whipstock, back off the hole, come up a few thousand feet, and start a new trajectory over the fish.
Another fun fact of which I was somehow denied knowledge was that local, intense thunderstorms were predicted for this part of the Persian Gulf today.
So, I’m with my pilot de jure, Dasharath Phuyal, late of the Royal Nepalese Air Force, Pro Station, and Tire Salon.
“Dash”, I ask, “We’re you excepting any weather today?”
“Umm,” he replies, querulously, “No Doctor. We checked the weather radar and it was clear.”
“What weather radar?” I inquired. Qutur doesn’t have any of their own yet, particularly those of the Doppler^® variety.
“The one from Dubai”, he says.
“And when was this?”, I asked.
“Oh, late last night”, he smiles back at me.
”Just watch that chopper in front of us”, I grumble, “Last night? You do know things tend to change a bit quickly out here…”
I never got to finish that sentence as I was rudely interrupted by a huge clap of thunder.
The sturdy, but timeworn, airframe of the Bell helicopter juddered, shimmingly and shakily.
“Ooh-whee!”, Dash whoops, “That was a close one.”
I reminded Dash that I was much closer and he should pay more attention to the job at hand rather than whooping up our impromptu roller coaster ride.
Luckily, the water here in the Gulf isn’t that deep, is bath-tub warm, and while it is home to some nasty, toothy critters, it’s not like being dumped in the South Atlantic around Cape Town in August.
Still, going for a swim after escaping a drowning helicopter just wasn’t on my list of fun things to do today; and I wanted to keep it that way. I mean, we do have to get our THUET, or Tropical Helicopter Underwater Escape Training, certificate. It’s an annual good time. I’ve been through it over 20 times, but novices and tyros really get grumpley and pukey once the mock-up of the chopper spins upside down and ker-splashes into the cold pool water.
I just sit in my seat, slowly undo my restraints and watch to see if anyone is in real trouble. Sure, they have rescue divers all around, but sometimes they are distracted by a full-load of novice characters losing their collective shit and lunch. I like to help out when I can. I’m no savage.
We also have to obtain T-BOSIET (Tropical Basic Offshore Safety Induction & Emergency Training), Basic Hydrogen Sulfide (H2S), T-FOET (Tropical Further Offshore Emergency Training), Compressed Air Emergency Breathing System (CA-EBS) and Travel Safely by Boat (TSbB) certifications. They just don’t let any breed of dummy out on an active offshore platform. You have to be a dummy that can stay awake through hours and hours of boring droning instructors.
I am one of the very few that also hold an AHUET, or Arctic Helicopter Underwater Escape Training, certificate. That’s a very cool time as well.
Anyways, we’re being slammed around like the last squash ball in the tin. It’s not raining yet, but there’s thunder, lightning, waves, and teeth-rattling thunderous repercussions of storm shock waves rebounding off the warm, Gulf waters.
It’s weird, but in the north, you get some severe summer and fall thunderstorms. All you need to watch out for is lightning, downward, and lateral thunder-shock waves, and rain. But out here, you get all that and the added bonus of thunder-induced shock waves rebounding off the warm waters of the Gulf, upward. It can drop your craft into the water just as certain as an angry downdraft can.
“So, Dash.”, I say, “We’re going to try and avoid any of that today, right?”
Dash ignores me as it’s raining now like a cow peeing on a flat rock and the wipers aren’t doing such a good job keeping up with clearness. Considering we’re probably 50 or so feet behind another helicopter, our safety guide, that margin for safety could go away almost instantaneously.
He’s sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish market, striving to keep the tail rotor of the helo in front of us just out of our reach and just within visible range. I decide I’ll read him the riot act later, once we are safely landed on the platform.
This goes on for a few minutes more when suddenly, the rig pops into view and the sun breaks through the roiling, cloudy deck.
But first, there are some protocols that must be satisfied:
These procedures will be based on the following requirements, or equivalent, which define when an approach is considered stabilized:
a. The aircraft is on the correct flight path and the correct navigational data has been confirmed as entered into the navigation system for final approach to the desired airport, heliport, or helideck and the aircraft is stabilized for the approach.
b. Only small changes in heading/power are normally required to maintain the correct flight path, unless the environmental conditions on a particular day may require power changes larger than normal.
c. All briefings and checklists have been completed, except for the final landing check.
d. The aircraft is in the correct landing configuration.
e. The sink rate is no greater than 750 fpm upon arrival at the altitudes prescribed below, or as recommended by the manufacturer. If an approach will require a rate of descent greater than 750 feet per minute, a special briefing should be conducted.
f. All flights should be stabilized by 1000 feet above landing elevation in IMC and by 500 feet above landing elevation in VMC unless the following flight profiles are in use:
– For helicopters where the transit height is less than500 feet above landing elevation, the aircraft should be stabilized by 300 feet and 60 knots ground speed above the landing surface.
– For some operations, such as seismic work involving a high level of low altitude external load operations and remote landing sites where it is necessary to complete an overhead flight reconnaissance before landing the typical profile may require modification by the operator.
g. Anytime an approach becomes “unstabilized” (out of compliance with the above guidelines) a go-around / missed approach should be executed immediately unless the operator has established a limited number of deviation protocols that can be safely used to return to the stabilized profile.
i. Once the approach minimums (altitude, time, etc.) are achieved the correct airport, heliport, and helideck are confirmed.
OK, got all that? Good, you have 5 minutes and you’re traveling along at 123 knots just 250’ off the deck, with no instruments or compass. It’s raining, blustery and the wave tops are seemingly slopping over your toes.
GO!
We plop down gracelessly on the helipad and I’m glad Dash was stickhandling it today; as he immediately goes through the shut-down procedures.
Guess I’ll need to buy him a beer rather than chew him out when we get back to shore.
I hit the klaxon and several logging company hands run over to the helipad. I tell them to wait until the chopper’s secured and then they can drag that fucking magnetic tool off the bird and over to the drill floor.
Once we do a little cuttin’ and chewin’, we’re going magnet fishing 5 miles deep.
I go over to the doghouse, a steel-sided shelter that serves as the onsite office, communications center, rig top command center, tool and safety equipment storage, first aid station, and extreme weather shelter.
And my fucking active drilling office.
“WHOOT! WHEET!” someone yanks the alarm when I appear on the rig floor. “Boss man’s here. Everyone quit fuckin’ up for a while!” The horn is only local, on the drill floor. It doesn’t resonate back through the rig very far.
The drill floor is immaculate, as it should be. We haven’t cut a foot of new hole in the last week. I give everything a quick visual and everything seems to be in order. A floor hand arrives instantly with a mug of hot black coffee for me.
“No, you can’t go home early, Jake”, I say, “But thanks large for the java.”
Jake looks slightly depressed, but every time he hits 11 or 12 days on his 14-day hitch, things start happening at home. Dog’s pregnant, wife’s pregnant, Uncles dead, Granma’s dead; half the family’s dead and the other half are pregnant.
Every single fucking hitch.
And Jake’s not even married.
Into the doghouse, my chair is still warm as it the monitor for my workstation.
“I find the asshole that’s been accessing PornHub through my workstation and he’s or she’s shark bait. The cocksucker never leaves the unblocked URL so we can visit the website.” I growl.
The internet is a dodgy thing in the Middle East. All of a sudden, international instant access to porn, ideas, forbidden subjects, and well, you name it. It’s a hilarious cat-and-mouse race to watch one group try and block all the nasties and the other group finding easy ways around the blockages.
Still happens today, but with VPNs and such, the Ministries of Censorship just gave up. They went back to hand-coloring British Women’s magazines that show too much thigh or cleavage in the summer swimsuit issues.
It is such a weird place.
I call a meeting with the section heads and everything’s about ready for go. I give the OK and we’re tripping back in the hole with a concave cone-buster reamer and going down some 5 miles to chew up a metal bottom hole assembly. After that, we’ll run-in with the magnets and junk basket. Hopefully, in a day or three, we’ll have the hole clear, circulated, conditioned and ready for drilling again.
Tripping back in the hole some 5 miles means running in some 400 or so stand of ‘tribbles’ or three-30 foot (10 meter) sections of drill pipe already screwed together, or made up. We will need to make another 399 connections and RIH, run in the hole before we even arrive at Fish Central.
So, I’m off to the head; ‘chopper potty’ is not a joke. One tends to get sequentially homogenized on long trips and your bladder takes a harmonic beating. It’s not at all pleasant.
Then some chow, a movie, maybe the gym, and off on the platform to the back smoking area. No hurry, I’ve got at least 24-36 solid hours of boredom in front of me.
Before I go, I give Esme a call and see if she has any further information on Lady and her travels. She was supposed to meet us here and start her short quarantine period before she could join us; even though we’re still at the hotel. The company we’re paying huge sums of money to handle her transition are being royal pains in the ass. Nothing but excuses.
“She got a late start. No room for a dog that big on the flight booked.” Sounds sketchy as hell.
“She’s so big, we needed to have a new travel carrier constructed for her.” Ka-ching! Another call for more money.
“She got stuck in Zurich. She’s fine and will be here shortly.” “Zurich?” She was to go from Houston to London to Duhu.
Esme answers the phone.
Not a single word was spoken. I knew right from the start there was trouble.
“Es, it’s me. I made it to the rig OK. What’s the problem? Are you OK? The kids alright?” I asked.
“Oh, Rock”, Es cries, “I’m fine. The kids are fine. Lady’s dead.”
The shock hit me like a direct lightning-bolt strike and an immediate in-chest thunderclap. I actually thought someone lit off the flare boom directly behind me.
“Es”, I stammered, “What happened? Plane crash? Terrorists? Economy class chow?”
“No, Rock”, she sniffed, “Brown recluse spider.”
“What?” I spluttered.
“According to the assholes to whom we’re paying so much money, Lady was in a “climate-controlled” warehouse waiting on her flight out of Texas. She was being walked, fed, and watered on a regular basis. Just before her flight, they went to walk her and she was ‘unresponsive’.” They said.
“They let my dog, my boon companion, my children’s best friend, die in some overheated Texas warehouse from a motherfucking spider bite?” I roared.
My mind went into overdrive. I could snake the chopper and be at the international airport in less than 2 hours. Wheedle up a flight to London or Amsterdam, then one to Houston. I could be kicking the shit out of these assholes in less than 36 hours.
“Es”, I ask, much more angry that sad; as that would come later, “What do you want me to do?”
“Rock”, Es sniffles, “As much as I’d like you to go back to Texas and blow the fuckers up, I’m afraid it is what it is. There isn’t much we can do, in fact, nothing will bring Lady back. They already got her to Dr. Tom Nokhoi (our vet in Houston) who will handle the red tape. I’ll tell the kids tonight,” Es continues”, “But if you could call Dr. Bob, our family attorney, and let him know what happened, I’m certain he’ll make their lives not worth living from here on out.”
“Es”, I stammer, “I never said I was sorry to you about all this. I apologize deeply. Guess I’m not hitting on all 12 cylinders. I’ll get Dr. Bob going after these assholes. He’ll have their guts for garters. I’ll be home in a few days, or sooner if you want.”
“No, Rock”, Es rationalizes, “You have your job to do. I have mine. Don’t be surprised if you come home and we now have a pony, a new aquarium, a herd of gerbils, and a kitten or three.”
“Whatever it takes, “ I reply, “The kids will be devastated. They’ve known her…all…their…lives…Oh, fuck. This is a shitstorm on so many levels. Let me get after its wild ass and turn Dr. Bob loose on them.” Right now, the idea of Dr. Bob chewing on their metaphorical and economic asses…well, that’s the only thing that is giving me any sort of solace.
“OK, Rock”, Es sniffs, “I’ll take care of the home front, you release the Dr. Bob on these assholes. Stay safe. Come home to us in one piece. Love you.” She sighs and signs off.
I am beyond pissed. Past furious. Way past livid. I’ll let Dr. Bob take whatever he can get from these asswipes. The money doesn’t matter. I want revenge. A reckoning. Vengeance. Reprisal. Retribution, not restitution.
I sic Dr. Robert ‘Bob’ Roberts, JD, Esquire, of Kingwood, Texas on them. He knew something was askew when I called him at 0300 hours. He really liked Lady. He’s going to make these assholes an example for the Texas Law Journal. Or the Houston Chronicle obituaries.
Beyond that, there’s not much I can do. I wander back to the smoking area on the backside of the rig, pull out my secret flask, and a new cigar. I finished both solo to Lady’s memory. I didn’t even go to my office nor check-in, I was so pissed off. The important people knew I was here, that was enough for the time being.
I know one should adhere to the rules of the rig and out here, 125 miles from the coast in an Arab land, ‘no alcohol on the rig’ is pretty much a given.
Guess they need a real introduction to the Motherfucking Pro from Dover.” Besides, this time, it’s medicinal. Either that or I break into the explosives locker and I begin to blow up shit until I feel better. Guess which one will probably take fewer lives?
In the doghouse again, we’re back on bottom with the custom-made mill I had custom fabricated in Texas, and we’re grinding away. What we’re doing is sensu stricto not legal, as we’re chewing up the LWD/MWD, Logging While Drilling/Measuring While Drilling tools, and they carry some radioactive sources.
In the States, in the event of a loss involving a radioactive source, the tool and hole must be filled with cement, plugged, and abandoned to safely entomb the sources. These sources are infinitesimal amounts of Americium-241, and Cesium-242, much like what is found in commercial smoke detectors.
But, the stuff we’re currently turning into expensive metallic confetti is 5 miles deep in the earth and with a half-life of just 150-5,000 years. It ain’t never, no way, going to make it back to surface. We just keep calm and carry on grinding.
Drill, grind, shred. POOH, pull out of hole, run in hole with the magnet, and junk basket, energize, and POOH. Rinse and repeat. Finally, we’re making some headway until we hit the tungsten carbide insert drill bit.
These are usually classified as ‘undrillable’. Lose one of them, and it’s Sidetrack City.
Usually ain’t no other fuckin’ way around them.
Or is there?
I have them C&C the well, that is, circulate and condition the hole, so it’s stable top to bottom and not stratified; the mud column in the well is homogeneous in nature. Then we POOH again and I’ve got this cunning plan. Stick a tail on it and you could call it a fox.
If we can’t drill up the bit, perhaps we can just nudge it out of the way. We can steer our bottom hoe assembly, so maybe a push downward…It’s like hitting an oncoming asteroid. You don’t have to destroy the thing, just deflect it a mite. If we can literally shove it out of the way a few feet, we can slide by with the new Bottom Hole Assembly, save days and days of rig time, at some US$1.85 million/per 24-hour period, and get back to drilling.
I have the floor hands rig up a special BHA of my own design: a heavy, concave-faced lead impression block at the front, then hydraulic jars, shock sub, heavyweight drill pipe, and remex crossover sub that connects to the drill pipe.
It’s not ‘elegant’, basically a power hammer with a steerable trajectory. But, we get onto that bit and get good contact, we might just be able to hammer and power slide that SOB out of the fucking way.
It’s worth a try.
So, we RIH, run in the hole, and down the obligatory 5 miles until we make contact. We achieve what seems like a good seat and try to slide under just the weight of 24,000+ feet of drill pipe; over 1.65 million pounds of hook-load.
We’re blocked.
OK, that’s fine. That means the lead impression block is molding around the bitter end of the bit like a custom hand-in-leather glove. Now when we apply the hydraulic horsepower, it’ll have to move forward. Give a little more juice left or right, up or down and we should be able to steer it out of the way.
We can’t just build a ‘hump’ in the well path around the bit. With sliding, reciprocating, and rotation, that’d be what we in the industry call ‘a bad thing’. It would key seat, wear preferentially and cut holes in drill pipe and casing…just causing all sorts of grief.
So. We need to steer it out of the way of the pre-ordained well path and hammer it the fuck out of the way. We’ll pull back, drop some cement in the bottom of the hole, trip back in and drill our way back on target.
Jarring and hammering with the rig is a slow, tedious prospect. Keeping an eye on all parameters, more so than usual. If you inadvertently punch into a sub-seismic fault zone, an area of overpressure, or a high-pressure gas zone, you could well and truly be fucked.
So, it’s a slow, deliberate go. I personally run the show for the first 15 hours until I’m certain we’re off the predetermined well path and the bit’s being stuffed off to Bolivia, or Greenland or… I don’t care where just the fuck out of the way.
I hand the rig over to the rig superintendent and tell him that unless anything funny happens, we’ll keep hammering and pushing until 0800 hours. That way, the bit will be out of the way and we can trip back in, set a cement plug, and get back to drilling.
I’m exhausted, still mightily pissed about Lady, and thought about calling Dr. Bob.
Nah, too early, besides I need some chow and rack time.
Chow first.
One thing about every offshore rig I‘ve worked on, the food is fabulous. Amazing quality and quantity. And if you get a specific head chef, like Huib Klein Huismink from Dutchland or Đỗ Trọng Nghĩa from Ho Chi Minh City; you’re gonna have a good tour.
They don’t just cook, they chef. In their own inimitable styles.
We’re lucky enough on this project to have Đỗ Trọng Nghĩa, or Doh!, after a famous American cartoon sitcom noise.
He can make the most amazing SE Asian dishes. How he and his crew does it three times a day for over 145 hungry bodies just beggars imagination. He also keeps a supply of high-octane ‘cooking juice’ available for me in exchange for some of my cigars.
It’s called the barter system and has served mankind for billions of years.
“So, Doh, whaddya know?” I ask, walking up to the steam tables laden with not dinner and not quite yet breakfast chow.
“Fucking morning warnings to you very much, Doctor Rock”, Doh smiles by way of greeting. His English is as dodgy as my Chichewa.
We’re the best of friends.
I hand him a box of Cubans I confiscated from Duty-Free back in Amsterdam. Pricey, but that box will last Doh and me the whole project. So, economically, it makes sense.
“Doctor”, Doh asks, “See anything you like or want Doh to make you something special?”
“Doh”, I reply, “I require meat. In great, gory, giant, bleeding hunks. And a couple of your world-famous rice-paper shrimp spring rolls for starters. Also, some of that incredible Vietnamese Iced Coffee you got me hooked on.”
I loathe sweet iced tea and coffee. Except for Mr. Doh’s. With heavy crème, strong boot-black coffee, and a very secret liqueur over ice in a French Press. It’s ambrosial.
Mr. Doh quickly hands me a small 2-cup French Press, ready to go. He tells me to sit, savor a soupçon and he’ll have my dinner-breakfast ready before I start on the second cup.
The coffee has enough caffeine to give a cadaver a chubby, and it helps me to throw off the general funk I‘ve had afflicting me since I spoke last with Es. A double-pair of shrimp spring rolls arrive as amuse-bouche before Mr. Doh’s main event.
Before I can pour another cup of his amazing coffee, a prime dry-aged porterhouse steak, easily 36 ounces, charred on the outside, blue on the inside, arrives. I don’t know how he does it, but he makes some sort of flower-pepper grilling sauce that so light, so subtle, and so sneaky, you’re halfway through the steak before you break out in the sweats and your brain happily melts.
It’s marvelous; in every sense of the word. Always make friends with the chefs, especially when you’re part of a captive audience. No Qwik Stop, 7-11, or Stop-n-Robs just around the corner out here.
Properly satiated, I wander back to my room. Now, on a rig such as this, where people work in 12-on, 12-off shifts, most folks that are not management ‘hot sheet’ it. That is, they share a bed with someone on the opposite shift. Hey, there’s only so much room on a drilling rig platform, one must sometimes make concessions.
But not me. I’m running the show and as such, rank has its privilege. I have my room which is also my on-rig office with en suite full bathroom, in-room refrigerator, fax machine, computer with non-governmentally interfered internet lash-up, work desk, chair, monitors for every aspect of the rig and a private, encrypted telephone.
It’s my room, my office. Imagine my surprise when I round the corner and see a line extending out of my room and down the hall.
I walk straight on by, as most everyone on the rig probably wouldn’t recognize me.
Like hell, they wouldn’t. I run safety orientations, resolve onboard personnel issues, greet new hires and boot slackers and goldbricks. Besides that, I run the operations for this vessel. Like hell, they don’t know who I am. But I haven’t made my presence back on the rig generally known.
Yet. They think that by ignoring me, I won’t be able to see them.
I walk 10 feet to my room/office, see it’s a shambles. Shambles as in all my cigars are gone, someone’s on the Internet ‘Turning Japanese’ over amateur-midget leather-fetish dog-n-pony show porn. Plus, there’s actually someone or some three in my damned bed.
Vesuvius in 79 CE had nothing on me when I went off.
“WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?!” I bellow, “What the fuck are you assholes doing in my office?”
Yeah, kindly ol’ Dr. Rocknocker is a wee bit pissed off.
“Up against the wall, you redneck motherfuckers. Each and every one of you.” I roar. I hit the klaxon in my office to call security when I notice that three of them are currently holding up a piece of bulkhead.
“Looks like we’re gonna need a crew boat, the Federales and some new security officers,” I growled.
The vast majority of these goombahs are East Indian or subcontinental ex-pats. They’re paid a pittance and do all the shit work. But, they knew the job was dangerous when they took it, no one is holding a gun to their head in Mumbai or Chennai or Islamabad forcing them over here. It wasn’t me.
One or two decide to make a break for it, thinking I wouldn’t notice. My size 16s made short work of that ill-formed idea.
“Next one that tries that goes over the side”, I growl loudly, telling them of an impending 225-foot straight south swan dive if anyone gets cute again. “Don’t think I won’t do it. You’ll be holding just enough C-4 that’ll detonate just before you hit the water. The local sharks will love that.”
They all know of my proclivities for solving problems with devices that generate rapidly expanding gases. Most of them shudder at the thought that, yes, I am that pissed and that unhinged to actually make good on my threats.
Rig Security arrives and I first chew them a new asshole for allowing such a disaster to happen.
“They were probably selling raffle tickets”, I roared, “How the fuck could you not know this was going on?”

“OK, if that’s your response, I’m calling it. Rig shut down! NOW!” And I go to get into my office and hit the big, shiny red Panic Button. One smash of that and the reactor’s scrammed, metaphorically speaking. That is, all power is cut to standby, the well’s made static, and all electrical power is diverted to the doghouse until the well is shut-in and steady.
I press that button and it’s easily $4-5 million dollars down the drain in lost time and productivity; as we have previously completed wells flowing through the tubulars of the rig. We’re not just a drilling platform out here, we’re a production platform as well.
“So, Dr. Rock”, the tribunal asks, “Why did you think it necessary to hit the Panic Button?”
“Because these motherfucking brain-dead security shitheads couldn’t be trusted enough to keep the other assholes out of management’s offices. Can you imagine the state secrets they’re selling to the guys just 20 miles north across the border in Irun?”
At least, that’s what I would have said if a couple of the security guards hadn’t fessed up and admitted they knew what was going on. They were actually taking kickbacks from workers so the workers could take showers, use my bed which was by now, indescribably filthy, and the spooge all over the Internet.
“OK. Let’s see. You, you and you, hand in your cards. You’re done here. Get to the rec room and sit there until the next crew boat arrives. No choppers, those are for workers.” I inform them. “You get to wait for the next crew boat and hopefully a really nasty thunderstorm.”
Two comply, but the former Sergeant of security protests that I’m too draconian. Besides little damage was done.
“You’re lucky I don’t hold you in irons, Sgt. Shitheels. It’s Rule of the Sea out here, bucko. You’re damned fucking lucky I just don’t stuff all your asses in a rubber raft and set you off adrift, left to your own devices.” I snarl back, as they knew I could legally do so.
By now, real security had arrived. I told them to collect each and every one of these assholes green and yellow cards. The green ones allowing them to work in the country, and the yellow ones allowing them to work on the rig.
“I want a list of names, I want a list of sponsors, I want phone numbers, and I want my office back in order within the next 3 hours. That doesn’t happen, then you all can explain yourself to the tribunal I’m calling back onshore.” I snarl, almost slathering.
“I will be in the rec room,”, I inform security. The rec room is a pretty good-sized open area for ping-pong, pool, snooker, TV, movies, smoking, and drinking your non-alcoholic drinks when you’re off duty. I’m commandeering it as an ad hoc jury room.
“I want to personally see each and every one of these asswipes before me starting in 15 minutes. The first ones I want to see are the three assholes caught in my bed. We green?” I snarl.
I am handed a couple of stacks of green and yellow cards.
“First one, 14 minutes. We green?” I ask again.
“Oh, yes, Doctor. Very green!”
“Goddamned idiots,” I growl and walk down to the rec room.
Luckily, I have a locker in the rec room where I keep some extra personal items. Gym stuff, spare shades, safety gear extras, earhole plugs for well tests, and a box or two of cigars. Smoking is allowed in the rec room, but being enclosed, I’m usually Dr. Nice Guy and don’t fire up a heater in there.
However, today is different. Very different, sorry to say for the group of laughing boys I’m going to be interviewing starting in 10 minutes.
I’m sitting behind a table with a notepad, a lit cigar; OK, I did fire up the in-room Smoke Eater, and a transcribed list of names and cards, all alphabetized. I‘m ready to dispense some maritime frontier justice.
The first three show up and they’re the ones getting all cuddly in my bed. Besides being personally squicked out about all that, even though I don’t give a shit about a person’s personal proclivities, I do at least ask, respectfully, to keep it the fuck OUT of my bed.
Consenting adults can do what the fuck they want as far as I’m concerned. But doing it on the rig floor, on top the helipad when we’re trying to land, or in my GODDAMNED bed sort of pushes the edge of the envelope a bit.
“So?”, I ask holding up their cards, “These yours?”
They all nod. They can barely speak Urdu, Pashto, Hindi, or Outer Buttfuckistanese much less English, Russian, or Mandarin. I dragoon one of the driller’s hands into being an improvised translator. I want to make certain that these characters understand the thunder they’ve called down.
“Can you understand me now?” I ask.
“Yes”, “Yes”, and “Yes”, came the hang-dog replies.
“Why we’re you in my bed?” I ask, further, “You must have known whose office that was. What the actual fuck, guys?”
No replies other than a sudden interest in the rig’s riveted and engine-turned metal floor.
“Look”, I say, “Right now, you’re all on the way back to Calicut, Lahore, Kathmandu or whatever other gritty shithole you assholes call home. You’re all fired. Done. Finito. Plus I keep your green and yellow cards. Good luck finding a job where ever you end up. Should have spoken up when you had the chance. Next?”
They hear the translation and all the color drains from their faces. One of them, an engineer of some sort, screws up the courage to call me an asshole and says “What difference does it make. You weren’t there and it wasn’t being used! You asshole.”
“OK”, I smile, “At least we’re communicating. You married?”
He puffs himself up. “Yes. Many years.”.
“Yeah”, I smile, “Me too. So it’d be OK for someone from your town to be fucking your wife right now, correct? I mean you’re not there and she wasn’t being used. Right, you asshole?”
I thought he was going to explode. He was livid, enraged, and otherwise peeved a bit.
“Fuck you goddamned big American asshole. Fuck you and your family too!’ he spits.
“Whoa!”, I smirk, “Guess I hit a nerve there, didn’t I? Going to go out anyways, may as well go out in a blaze of glory, right you little smirking dooly-boy cocksucker?”
He just stood there and fumed.
“OK’, I say, “Use a little of that ire and give me a reason not to toss your ass to the wolves; or sharks, as the case may be.”
“It cost us money. To pay off security guards. They started it. You weren’t even here and your room was empty. They sold it off in pieces for the most money. Say anything to boss people and you will go away. They threatened us.” He averred.
“Oh, ho! Right. OK, let me see if that’s the case.”, I call over to one of the security guards I could trust and tell him to go get those other 3 erstwhile guards and bring them over.
To be continued

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Proud to say I'm a battered child. Here's my story goes.
My Grandpa was a retired military officer. Sobrang strict niya sa mga anak niya. Pero yun Papa ko once lang napalo. Lahat nga mga brothers and sister niya literal na mata lang walang latay. Pero sa lahat ng magkakapatid, yun Papa nag-adapt nun gruesome method ng " palo " . And to make the story much interesting, amplified version yun discipline niya.
Almusal, tanghalian, merienda, minindal, siesta, dinner, at midnight snack buntal naransan ko lahat. And to think na disciplined na kami, munting pagkakamali lintik na buntal ang kapalit.
2nd ako sa magkakapatid. I have my ate and yun brother kong sumunod sakin. Lahat kami binili ng mga wristwatch na synchronized yun time sa relo niya. Di ka pwedeng magdahilan about the battery if ma-late kasi weekly checked niya if ok pa yun battery nun relo. Eto sample rules and the punishment we received. 1.Bawal ma-late ng uwi. Not even a minute. Sabay sabay dapat kakain and nakatoka yun mag-sasay ng grace before we eat. Minsan na late ako ng uwi ( project sa school ), sa takot kong mabuntal. Sinama ko classmates and teacher ko. Nakatayo na sa may front door si Papa, and when my teacher explained yun reason. Lumabas ng gate Papa, no uttered words. Kinulyaran ako, sabay batok ng malakas, subsob ako sa front door namin, instant spaghetti sauce yun labi ko nun tumama dun sa handle. Di na naka-imik teacher ko. Isa lang sinabi ni Papa nun. Next time teacher wag niyo ng ihahatid to ha. Ako ng susundo sa kanya. Kala ko tapos na appetizer lang pala yun. ( happened when I was in grade 2 )
Punishment... Pag-upo ko para kumain, ayun habang kumakain ka, binabatukan ka. Tapos you will see your mother, walang magawa para tulungan ka. She can only shed tear. Tsk awang awa ako sa sarili ko nun. To make things worst. I have offended another rule while being punished dun sa pagiging late ko. 1.Pag-kakain, dapat kain lang. Kailangan " clean plate ". Since binabatukan ako dahil nga na-late ako. Ayun may nahulog na grain of rice out of my plate. When I was about to pick it up. ' Blammmm " sa lakas nun batok sakin, subsob nanaman yun face ko sa plate ko. And he literally, send the plate flying so lahat nun laman nun sumabog na sa sahig.
Punishment... I have to put my hands behind my back and eat every last bit of food sa sahig. Talo ko pa manok sa pagkain kasi patapos na sila kumain dapat matapos na din ako. That time pag-uminit na ulo ni Papa, di na siya kakain and di ka niya tatantanan. Di ka maktulog nun when you are sent to bed, and to console me sa nangyari, in the middle of the night, alam ni Mama na umiiyak ako. She will only go to our room just to kiss me in my forehead, and away she goes. Gusto ko siya tawagin and beg to stay with me until I fell asleep, kaso di pwede. Paga na yun labi ko and sobrang hapdi na. 1.Bawal maging hero. Since I consider yun araw araw na sinturon, lahat ng klase ng walis and hanger ay minor lang. I will narrate nalang yun worst whoppin'. Basta konting mistake very little lang talaga, gulpi ka na agad, kasi who would dare na gumawa ng kalokohan kung ang kapalit nun eh a week of recovery. back to rule#3. One time, thesis ng Ate ko, she was late for dinner. Like the rule stated above buntal din siya. Ayun pinunit yun report niya, the thesis itself. Almost a month work ni Ate napunit lang in an instant. Tapos habulang buntal ang naganap. Di ko na matiis, since sa lahat ng magkakapatid na-immune nako sa sakit ng katawan, sa buntal, sa gulpi, sa bugbog. Nun nakahawak ng antique chair si Papa para ibato sa Ate ko since ambilis niya tumakbo, 'alam kong tatamaan yun sis ko. Ayun, ako humarang. Sobrang sakit and ramdam na ramdam ko nun tumama sa shoulder blade ko yun upuan. Di ko magalaw right arm ko. Next thing I knew.
Punishment... Ayun sabi sakin " Ah, gusto mo ikaw ang masaktan ha? Bibigyan kita ng sakit ". Parang sinentensyahan nako ng deathrow nun. Dinibdiban ako, sikmura, and that time highschool nako. May batuta siya, gift from Grandpa. Yun lumang batuta, PC daw yun eh ( Philippine Constabulary ) yun ang hinataw sakin. Bawal tumakbo, bawal umiyak or umatungal. Di ko kayang maluha, hirap pigilin. Magaling pumalo si Papa. dahil di kita mga pasa ko pag suot ko school uniform. so yun pasa ko, korteng uniform. Pag nakahubad ako, parang naka-polo ako na kulay blue violet. 1.I forgot na yun reason kung bakit ako nabuntal. Since very minor lang talaga para maalala ko pa yun dahilan. Pero here's one of the worst punishment.
Punishment... Siguro napagod na yun kamay kabubuntal kasi nakita niya na hindi nako nasasaktan. One time sabi niya..." Lumayas kana, at pag lumabas ka na ng gate. Kalimutan mo ng anak kita at wag na wag ka ng babalik...Alis!!!" quote and un-quote. So ako natuwa na, palabas nako. confident ako na maraming kukupkop samin kasi nga yun mga kapit-bahay namin awang awa samin kapag naririnig yun buntalan moments. And since sobrang sipag namin, raised and born in military way. Lahat ng gawin namin magkakapatid, we have to make sure it has to be perfect or else...kaya respeto sa nakakatanda, ingat sa mga gamit and toys 9 we barely play our toys kasi onting gasgas, or may maputol an kamay or ulo ( lego ) tsk tsk, alam na. back to the story, I was about to exit our front door. Bigla akong sinigawan, " Pu%8#!na ka!!!, san ka pupunta ka? " ngali-ngali kong sabihin na " Ah, eh sa labas po...pinapalayas niyo po ako diba? " pero siyempre..ala komiks mode na enclosed lang sa ulap yun thoughts na yun kundi sasabog nanaman nguso ko. Sabi sakin.." Ipinanganak ka ng Mama mo ng walang damit, aalis ka sa pamamahay ko ng walang dala na kahit na ano." Gusto ko ng mamatay that time. ( grade 6 ) ako nun, tuli nako pero pano ako lalabas ng naka-hubo?
The event happened when there was a heavy rainfall. Liliw yun place namin and if anyone has ever been there, mataas yun lugar na yun and the little cozy town was previously called " little baguio ". So sobrang lamig that time, freezing cold plus the rainfall. No choice ako, so tanggal damit. Tinira ko brip ko, I was about to open the handle...biglang... " Nakakaintindi ka ba? Pag sinabi kong hubo..HUBO!!! " and believe me, it wasn't even a shout. It was roar, roar from hell. Yun tipong send chills to your bones. Ayun, hubo mode nako. Siyempre ayoko lumabas. That happened around 12:30 pm. Nun elem days eh, we had to go home to eat our lunch then balik ng school. So if lalabas ako, bukod sa lamig and ulan na malakas...makikita ako for sure ng mga kaklase ko.
" Labas!!! " and that was out. I was out cold and I ran and ran. Nakapikit ako, I was praying na pagdilat ko, panaginip lang lahat pero hindi. Good thing 20-25meters across sa house namin ay bakanteng lote with wild grass that stood approximately 3ft. Ayun nagtago ako behind da bushes. No trees to shed me from the rainfall. My hands and feet went numb sa sobrang lamig. I closed my eyes and prayed na maging ibon nalang ako ( kaya naiiyak ako dun sa Forrest Gump, yun scene with Jinny, childhood bestfriend niya na inaabuso nun dad, she prayed to have wings ) or maging hayop nalang ako, mabura na lahat ng memory ko. Grabe mga tumatakbo sa isip ko nun that time. As I kept my eyes closed, I heard a voice. Like an angel's. When I opened my eyes, ayun sumambulat sakin. Two of my girl classmates. To make the story worst, yun isa crush ko. Nun nakita ko sila, they are both crying, naaawa siguro. Lam na kasi sa school yun pambubugbog samin so alam nila na parusa yun sakin. Yun crush ko di nagsasalita, nakatingin lang siya sakin, sa katawan ko.. hehehe...that time todo yupyop ako para di makita yun tweety bird ko ( sobrang lamig kasi eh, what do you expect )
The other girl her name is Kristine, she told me na " Huy, sama kana samin. Uwi ka sa bahay. May damit don. may pagkain. Dun kana muna magpalipas ng ulan, kami na bahala kay Ma'am ( teacher ). " Gusto ko na ayaw ko. pano ko tatayo? grade 6...tsk tsk..sabi ko umuna nalang sila and baka makita pa sila ni Papa, madamay pa sila. So on they went. Worst day and night of my life. I fell asleep, siguro sa gutom, and lamig. Ayun, sight na di ko malilimutan till this very day, I saw my Mom held a flash light and heading towards my location. She brought a blanket, nun makita ako, napahawak nalang siya sa bibig niya. Trying to hide her sobs. Ayun lang sabi niya " Halika na Anak, tulog na Papa mo " T'was 9pm. Taas na ng lagnat ko. I recovered after a week, ayun back to buntalan moments nanaman for such tiny mistakes. mahal na mahal ako ng Papa ko...
Even nun college, ligaw moments na. Bugbog sarado kapag late muwi dahil sa GF. Up until now she still remember na ako yun di mapakali kapag nanliligaw ako sa kanya. I sue to tell her na.." Una nako ha, talo ko pa kasi si Cinderella , pag nalate ako eh yun mukha ko magiging kalabasa sa pasa " Pag na-late ready na katawan ko sa bugbugan blues. The next day, pag punta ko kila GF. She use tend to my wounds. Sabi ko ok lang yun...minsan kapag trouble sa school. Ayaw na makipag-away sakin kasi nga kapag nakikipagsuntukan ako, yun parang wala nakong paki-elam. Di nako nasasaktan eh, yun pananakit nila eh wala ng epekto or hindi ko na na-fee-feel yun pag-inflict nila ng physical damage. Tapos all-out ako makipag-basagan ng mukha. Buti nalang la naging mga peklat sa mukha ko...
My Dad was proud only at one thing, di siya nagagalit na malalaman niya na nakipagsuntukan ako, pag uwi ko he sees my face bruised, lips are cut. He'll only ask one thing. " Nasaktan ka? siguraduhin mong nasa tama ka. Labhan mo na yan damit mo, magagalit nanay mo pag nakitang may dugo yan " and this was grade3 or grade 4.
Madami pang story ang nangyari until nun college nako. We were asked to write an essay. Madaming topic to choose from pero isa yun pinili ko. " The most memorable person "
Typically, I should have wrote my mom. Pero instead I wanted to be different. I wrote my dad instead. The composition of the letter was very ironic. I wrote halos kapareho nun post ko dito lahat nun pambubugbog niya, pero nilagay ko sa latter part nun letter. Never akong nagalit or nag-rebelde sa Dad ko. But I always kept on asking one and always the same question...." Why?"
nilagay ko yun irony nun mga ginawa sakin like...
through tears I learn to smile through pain I learn to love through hate I learn compassion through the bruises I learn to hug and make people smile through the cuts I learn to care and to mend broken hearts
things like that yun sinulat ko sa last part. And my dad thus made me this way, I'll never forget him and he's the most memorable person. Who molded me, creating me of who I am.
Balewala sakin yun, gusto ko lang isulat yun past ko. Tapos di ko one day, our Prof came into our room with tears in her eye. She told us about the essay she asked us to do. Eh gags ako nun sa school. I teased pa na ang cheesy naman nun nagpaiyak kay Ma'am. She then blurted out my name and yun piece ko. She ask me to read it in front of the class. Natatawa pa ko and reasoned na Ma'am seryoso kayu? So ayun, no choice but to read it, Read it as fast as I could, I put no feelings when I read out the words. Nun matatapos na, saw my fellow students...teary eyed. Upo lang ako, and my Prof asks for my permission if she could get a copy. sabi ko no prob. Ayun ang dami nila nagpa-photocopy, mostly mga babae. Di pa natapos story nun, paguwi ko ng bahay, a month passed ata. when I was about to leave our house for another week for school ( sa manila nako nag-cocollege that time ) my dad held my shoulders and said... " May naiwan ka na yellow pad, assignment niyo ata " isip ako ng sip kung anu yun until he said na " Memorable person yun title ".. he looked into straight into my eye, as if he has seen my soul. Gusto kong pumikit that time and sabi ko patay, the worst thing could ever happened already did happened. He then said softly.. " h'wag ka umalis, mag-uusap tayu..."
My Dad told me to stay for the day, and ok lang daw na umabsent ako sa class. Di ko lam kung ano dapat maramdaman ko that time. Pinagpapawisan ka ng butil butil na malamig, kahit maaliwalas naman ang panahon. He then ask me to buy " Lambanog " and some pulutan. That time ang tumatakbo sa isip ko, na iinom siya mag-isa and pagna-reach na yun super saiyan level saka ako hahagupitin, dahil dun sa pesteng essay na yun na hindi ko lam how the hell he obtain that?? I prepared my body for the torture of my life. And there he was, we have a bahay kubo at our backyard, I got the drinks and then he called me up. It wasn't even a call, more of like a " pakiusap ". he told me. " Halika dito, maguusap tayu. " First time I've heard that tone of voice, it was very meek. Aaminn ko, that time mas napraning ako dahil iba yun mood niya. Di ko lam kung paglapit koba eh, bigla nalang ako hatawin nun bote or what. Very cautious ako that time. Di ako umiimik. Then he spoke. " Inom tayung dalawa. " First time he ever asked me to have a sitdown with him. One on one. Miinom nako that time, pero not with him. Not that kind of setting. He told his life story, how he was raised up when he was a child. Ako yun nag-tatagay that time. Gusto ko talaga dayain. Ayokong magulpi ng naka-inom ako, di ko lam magiging reaction ko. I was afraid na baka gumanti ako pag binira ako, pero mas natakot ako kasi for sure pag nakainom ako, di ako makakailag sa uppercut, jab, roundhouse and sa fatality. Parang mortal kombat lang. The conversation went smooth, hours have passed. My mom watches us from a distance, maybe preaparing for a bloodbath. I was surprised my Dad, forgot na yun essay thing...
But I was wrong. He reached down to his pocket. Pulled out th letter. Stared at me. And then asked me to read it. My mom rushed and sat right next to me. My angel my guradian. Thought came passing through my head, I am saved.
My Dad told my Mom, " Makinig tayu. " Inabot na niya yun well-folded na yellow pad. And then I read it. May part dun na sinadya kong hindi basahin. How can I read it? Andun yun " memorable person " sa harap ko. Kapag binasa ko yun, 100% yun ang magiging " memorable gulpi " ko. My father spoke, gulat na gulat ako. When I skipped a sentence. he told me.. " Basahin mo lahat, gusto kong marining lahat. Every word you wrote. Read it. "... I froze and pumasok na sa isip ko that time. He already read it, probably over and over. La nakong magagawa I have to fully read it. I heard my mom crying. I found myself tears falling down my eye. When I made the letter, I made that out of sadness. Emotions came rushing in. And when I read the final words. I looked up at my Dad. His eyes kept closed. I saw tears falling from the corners of his eyes.
Is this a dream? I came to question myself? Siguro I was drunk??
My Dad spoke, his voice was trembling. His eyes still closed. " The sweetest words I could hear from my son. I never dreamed that I will live the day to hear these words. " He opened his eyes and said... " Maraming salamat...anak. I want you to read that sa burol ko. Kapag namatay ako, I want everybody to know what kind of a father I was. " The most sad thing I ever heard from him. Masahol pa yun naramdaman ko nun nakipag-break up yun GF ko. My heart was shattered. I don't want to see that, I don't want to hear those words from him. Mga profanity, mga pagmumura niya sakin...that I can endure pero yun words na he told me. How he felt bout the letter. I wish I hadn't wrote it. My father's words broke my heart apart. My fear pala is I don't want to see my Dad in pain. Seconds passed, pero it felt like days. My childhood life flashed before my eyes, and then yun questoin ko was answered.
My Dad looked upon my Mom and said. " Mi, sabihin mo lahat sa kanya, I wanted him to know everything. Gusto ko sa lahat ng magkakapatid siya nalang yun makaalam. " My mother held and squeezed my hand..and then she told me everything.
" Mahal na mahal kayung lahat ng Papa mo. Gusto niya na matuto kayung maging matibay sa lahat ng bagay at hindi basta basta bibigay o susuko. Lahat ng mapait at masakit pinatikim niya sa inyo, dahil wala ng mas mananakit pa inyo kung hindi yun taong nagmamahal sa inyo at yun ang Papa niyo. Nagusap kami ng Papa mo, we had an agreement. He will be hated and I ( my mom ) will be loved. He will die na alam niya galit kayung magkakapatid sa kanya pero nabago yun dahil sa sulat mo. Nalaman niya na hindi ka galit sa kanya. Hindi niyo lang alam kung gano kayu kamahal ng Papa niyo. Tuwing gabi bago kayu matulog, matapos niya kayung paluin. Siya yun unang nag-aalala s inyo, uutusan niya ako na puntahan kayu sa kwarto niyo para i-check at gamutin mga sugat niyo. Tuwing may pinapalayas sa inyo, siya yun nag-uutos sakin na hanapin kayu. Ang Papa niyo ang nag-aalala sa lahat, siya ang hindi makatulog kapag wala pa kayu sa bahay. Siya ang nagpapahanda ng pagkain kapag alam na pauwi na kayu. Kaya wag niyong iisipin na sa lahat ng pamamalo niya hindi ko kayu tinulungan. Ang gusto ng Papa niyo ay matuto kayung lahat, he will die happy knowing na hindi siya kahit kailan nagkulang ng pangangaral sa inyo. How hard it is for him everytime hinahataw kayu. Ang totoo niyan siya ang umiiyak sa gabi. And he let me do the explanation sa inyo kung bakit kayu napalo. All he wanted is to have his children learn how to stand up on their own. Ayaw na ayaw niya na maging hangal kayu katulad nun mga kapatid niya. At alam niya, na minsan dadating sa buhay niyo, kapag wala na siya. Lahat kayung magkakapatid ma-rerealize that all along your father was right. "
All fluids naglabasan sa mata and sa ilong ko. Nasagot lahat ng tanong ko. My father asked me to keep those words within ousrselves and he asked me to tell it to my sister especially my brother when the time is right. He also made me promise to read the letter sa funeral niya.
To end the very akward moment. My father cracked a joke... " Akin na yang yellow pad, ako na magtatabi. Mababasa pa ng uhog mo eh. " We all laughed and ended the night with forgiveness.
Next day I'm like a new person, parang nakawala sa hawla. Di ko ma-explain, it is like being born again.
Ayun lang po yun story ko. Salamat sa mga matiyagang nagbasa. Me and my dad are best friends today. Every weekend umuuwi ako sa Laguna, and palagi kami umiinom dalawa. Lahat ng values and principles he imparted sakin and he always wish for me to take care of my younger brother na I will lead him to the right path. Lumayas na kasi siya and never returned home. Minsan we talked nun brother ko, I talk sense into him pero it's very hard for him to accept. He endured every puinishment with hatred kaya ayun, he never wanted to go home. I'm still praying na before my Dad's time I will be able to ask my brother to see him the last time.
Pa, salamat sa palo mo.
EDIT: TL;DR Nagpapasalamat ako at ginulpi ako nun bata pa ako
UPDATE: I wish I could reply to all your questions and rebutt to your opinions (logically) being thrown around but it'll really take time for me to do so and for that I apologize. I hope I can shed light at the very least and hope to answer some of the queries below. Believe me, I was really overwhelmed by your comments and I thank you all for it.
I wrote this piece 7years ago in an online forum as well. There is a comment below that asked about it and yeah jpatricks1, I'm the same guy. I hadn't edited it since and it's funny to read it myself again relieving the moment I wrote it ages ago and I really sucked at writing at that time. Why did I even share it here in the first place you might ask?
It was my father's birthday last monday and a flash of memories came upon me when I was a child and I thought of sharing this story to you guys. For the reason that most,if not all, forumers here in reddit are straight to the point and open minded people. I have no intention at all to set this an example for any other parents or soon to be parents out there to think that abusing their child/children is okay so long as there is a stupid one to accept it and think that it is the only way to endure the pain and suffering the world has to offer.
I'm an adult right now and a father to two as well. I have always burned in my mind that never my children will suffer the same way that I did. I scold them from time to time and explain them things that should and shouldn't be. I leave it for them to decide for themselves but I tell them exactly the consequences for their actions. I have spanked them one or two occassions but during those event I'm terrified at my own self, repeating the horrors of my past. My eldest is 8 and napalo ko siya I think not more than three times and I've used a pangkamot sa likod to pat his butt as controlled as I could, maybe a 0.00001 version of my Dad's. Afterwhich I have explained why I have to do that pamamalo.
I've shared a part of my life. Take note, just a part. The totality of my person being has already been questioned here because of that tiny part in my life that I have shared. My father and my mother raised us as best as they could and what they see fit. I can't blame them. They have their own reasons and if their conscience can handle the fact that they hurt they own offspring, it is really not for me to tell. I can only tell you the part of which I understand them why would they have to resort to that kind of parenting.
It may seem all too surreal that I have accepted the fact that it is okay with me being brutally abused, but it is not. The story of my beating have been told in a narrative way to inspire fellow beaten child that one have endured, to send a message that beating is not the answer. That all suffering has an ending that might turned out good. There are a lot of quetions in your mind that may arise about what might OP thinks or what has he become. Let me tell you this, you do not look at the blank wall and just see the dot. Focusing yourself and get lost in the dot which is a just part of the wall.
You look at the goddamn wall itself.

I watched this swamp gas on Netflix.
How do you go to battle against a puny enemy - ^me - with the strongest army and airforce assets and come back with such a stinging defeat that the Winter War between Russia and Finland looks quaint?
Well, it's easy. If you're an Indian filmmaker, you invest heavily in bad writers, demand a trope-y script be churned out, and hope that no one notices.
Piku redeemed Amitabh for me in many ways. The acting was natural, befitting his persona, and the story and character developments of the secondary actors were well rounded. It evolved gradually and faded away similarly like a Bell Curve.
Not so with this confusingly titled movie. Te3n (T-threen?) seems to be the director's prepubescent fantasy come true, his homage to his lifelong passion of Secret Seven, Famous Five, Three Investigators, Hardy Boys, and other children's "thriller" books involving a prime number of amateur sleuths.
When an elderly John Biswas mopingly opens the scene speaking Hindi to a Hindi speaking cop/police woman/token-cute-female-protagonist-who-still-needs-male-reassurances-in-her-job in Calcutta, asking her if there have been any more leads in the death of his granddaughter some four years ago, she Hindily asks him why he has bothered to show up every day the past few years. One's heart is meant to bleed at the sight of a broken old man, kicking a broken old scooter to life, and driving, with his shoulders hunched and face hanging lower than underworld. But one's brain wonders why all these Hindi speaking forks are loitering around in Calcutta - in police stations, mosques, everywhere. What about Calcutta made the director shoot a Bolly flick there?
To make the 'case' (this is a detective case, if you didn't get it by now) delectable we are presented with the vaunted Nawazuddin, dressed in a stupid goatee, a white priesly frock, and cracking jokes at a wedding. Is this a comedy or a serious thriller you ask? It's as funny as a kookaburra finding your dad jokes hilarious. This Father, who, a cop himself once, and having lost the case of the grandfather with a kidnapped granddaughter that AB is now trying to solve himself, decided, in a snap of his fingers, to switch his khakis for whites because becoming a priest is that easy. Masters in Divinity, degrees in philosophy and other multi-year requirements be damned. Cracking funeral jokes at a wedding is Father Martin's jam, and his Hindi speaking show won't be interrupted anymore by this old man with a dying Vespa.
So the story picks up dust and dirt like a sandstorm, throwing crumbs for old man Bacchan to follow while the non-uniform-wearing female protagonist huffs and puffs at Father Martin while requesting his help. And because there are no rules against civilians simply plonking in a police jeep and going on chases, the good Father abandons his paternal duties and goes about trying to solve a second kidnapping case.
Confusion sheds its shell and dons a more blingy outfit. Oh! snap! Did they catch the perp? But Hindi-speaking Father Martin of Calcutta, who still can't speak Bengali, tells the chunky female cop, who is still without a uniform and wearing the same clothes, is wrong. But the cop-or-not cop is not having any of it, and arrests the prime suspect.
Now for some Batman/Iron Man level electronics stuff. Fr. Martin takes the ransom call to some Hindi-speaking Bengali looking dude and after acting like he's tired by spending the night on the chair, he learns that - WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? - the kidnapper has the same voice as the old man Bacchan from four years ago when he was on the other side of the ransom call.
Mind = blown!
RIP. Here lies my mind. He was a good mind. Strong, withered board exams and IIT preps. But his time has come to pass, and he is now with God.
is what Fr. Martin would have said at the funeral for my mind, for he is a funny cop-turned-priest (who doesn't do either job right).
In a complete thumb up to the entire judicial system, Bacchan, without his stupid Vespa, requests Fr. Martin, who isn't even a bloody cop anymore, for an interrogation session with the perp. And minutes later he walks out with a look of accomplishment, the type I have on the mornings after a guilty Taco Bell raid, indicating to a civilian that the perp has confessed.
Let's get this straight - a civilian "interrogated" another and reported it to a third and the case is solved. Where was the lady cop-or-not-cop-with-the-same-clothes?
Perhaps busy studying to be a nun.

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WritingPrompts	RF Its 2017 and Google was never invented, every google innovation never happened. Write a story about a school computer project.	Google
WritingPrompts	WP Its 2017 and Google was never invented, every google innovation never happened. Write a story about a school computer project.	Google
EarthPorn	A surprise vacation my girlfriend took me on December 2015. Folly Beach, South Carolina, United States. iPhone 6 OC 6922x2311	United
todayilearned	TIL that Apple Acquired the Newton Handwriting Recognition Software in a Bizarre Way	Apple
UpliftingNews	One act of kindness that changed a homeless man's life - BBC News	BBC
AskReddit	How can an American get their hands on a Honda Cub motor bike?	Honda
todayilearned	TIL of the Bizarre Way in which Apple Acquired the Newton Handwriting Recognition Software	Apple
food	Homemade Apple and bacon stuffed pork chops with a orange marmalade glaze with side of Brussels sprouts.	Apple
videos	NUTS FOR NINTENDO special on ABC news 20/20 from 1988	ABC
todayilearned	TIL in 2007 a Boeing 737NG was completely destroyed in a ground fire in Okinawa. All 165 aboard escaped unharmed. The cause of the accident was a bolt with a missing washer.	Boeing
AskReddit	How would the United States be different had Washington selected Hamilton to be secretary of the state rather than treasury?	United
funny	Best Subway advertisement	Subway
food	I Ate "The Grey Stuff" - Be Our Guest Restaurant, Walt Disney World	Walt Disney
OldSchoolCool	Jeremy Clarkson reviewing a 1990 Ferrari Testarossa. 1990's	Ferrari
news	ORANGE COUNTY'S BANKRUPTCY: THE OVERVIEW; Orange County Crisis Jolts Bond Market	Orange
LifeProTips	LPT: If you have any old computer hardware stored away, try looking up what the parts fetch on eBay - you may be surprised. Prices seem to exist on a bell curve over time where they' become nearly worthless for several years then become more valuable again.	eBay
videos	Apple's Forgotten Video Game Console - The Story Of The Apple Pippin	Apple
Showerthoughts	The Lego movies are basically sequels of Toy Story.	Lego
todayilearned	TIL: Tom Brady was the backup QB on his freshman football team that went 0-8 and scored 2 TD all year	TD
LifeProTips	LPT: You can access Facebook Messenger through messenger.com on a desktop browser.	Facebook
AskReddit	What's your go to Youtube channel for when you're stoned?	Youtube
Music	Big Black Delta - Money Rain Down synthpop	Delta
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: How effective is the British House of Commons and is their method of tackling politics more or less efficient than those of other countries such as the United States?	United
videos	Ozzy Osbourne's final Interview as Black Sabbath frontman - BBC News	BBC
Showerthoughts	If it's harder to type with one hand, then "Scarlett Johansson" must be one of the most commonly misspelled Google searches ever.	Google
listentothis	A Shell in the Pit - The Fish and the Whale Electro, Chiptune 2013	Shell
gaming	What's the best rpg available on Google Play?	Google
pics	Went into my local Target today.....	Target
funny	My friend has the same Porsche that Beyonce used for her pregnancy announcement phot shoot. He looks just like her, if she were a he from Idaho.	Porsche
funny	My friend has the same Porsche that Beyonce used for her pregnancy announcement photo shoot. He looks just like her, if she were a he from Idaho.	Porsche
news	Mobile Applications with SAP Mobile Platform	SAP
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: Why are AI assistants Siri, Alexa, Google Assistant, S Voice, Cortana typically female?	Google
gaming	Apple's Forgotten Video Game Console - The Story Of The Apple Pippin	Apple
AskReddit	Older people of Reddit: Why do you add multiple comments on a Facebook post instead of simply using the "edit" button to modify your comment?	Facebook
news	Automation to impact Indian jobs the most: Infosys CEO Vishal Sikka	Infosys
news	Samsung chief in second grilling over corruption claims - BBC News	BBC
OldSchoolCool	Mr. Rogers in the 50s.	Rogers
videos	My Uber driver mentioned he made music & linked me to one of his songs. He is probably the chillest guy I'll ever meet.	Uber
AskReddit	Why do you support illegal immigration into the United States?	United
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: How come Canada, Australia, New Zealand and the United States all use the dollar, despite having all been colonies of Britain which uses the pound?	United
AskReddit	A service like fantasy football has just come online, but it's about the United States government. Who is in your fantasy cabinet?	United
IAmA	IamA Genius at an Apple Store. Ask me anything	Apple
movies	[Ghost in the Shell Trailer #2	Movieclips Trailers](https://www.reddit.com/movies/comments/5trqvw/ghost_in_the_shell_trailer_2_movieclips_trailers/)
movies	Ghost In The Shell 2017 - Official Trailer #2 - Paramount Pictures	Shell
Music	Curious if you know of any old music videos that bands made before the age of MTV came along.	MTV
AskReddit	Is anyone else using Lego Dimensions to teach their kids about franchises from the 80s/90s such as Gremlins, Goonies, E.T.?	Lego
movies	Ghost in the Shell Trailer #2: They Cannot Control Me	Shell
movies	Ghost in the Shell - Trailer 2	Shell
worldnews	[europe / Croatia Map	Google Satellite Maps of europe / Croatia](https://www.reddit.com/worldnews/comments/5tru14/europe_croatia_map_google_satellite_maps_of/)
movies	Ghost In The Shell Trailer #2	Shell
todayilearned	TIL that the British Museum is older than the United States	United
videos	How to Uncover Hidden Keyword-Level Data Using Google Sheets	Google
news	Online ESTA USA VISA Application Process Made Extremely Easy	VISA
videos	How to create a Google account for Youtube Channel? Urdu/Hindi All Soft - YouTube Help	Google
videos	How to create a Google account for Youtube Channel? Urdu/Hindi All Soft - YouTube Help	Youtube
EarthPorn	A surprise vacation my girlfriend took me on December 2015. Folly Beach, South Carolina, United States. OC 6922X2311	United
movies	Ghost in the Shell Trailer #2	Shell
videos	This is an attack on decency - "It takes two" Lil Yachty and Carly Rae: Target Ad	Target
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: I'm suffering workplace bullying and am making contemporaneous records on a personal Google doc from my work PC when things are said to me. What data/metadata can my employer see about this Google doc?	Google
GetMotivated	Video Michael Jordan on failure, Nike commercial.	Nike
explainlikeimfive	ELI5:Why is the United States' infrastructure in such disarray?	United
explainlikeimfive	ELI5:Why do people like Google search ?	Google
funny	When Google manages to make you tear up when no romantic movie ever could	Google
pics	Cosplay Facebook icon anger.	Facebook
worldnews	Adele Triumphs Over Beyoncé at Grammys, But Sony Wins Either Way	Sony
AskReddit	Where, when and why did the purple trash dove going viral on Facebook become a thing?	Facebook
space	I took this photo with my Sky Watcher 1200 and mobile phone Asus Zenforce 2. So proud of me 😊	Sky
worldnews	China, facing criticism that it is not doing enough to pressure North Korea to drop its nuclear program, said Monday 13 February 2017 that the root cause of North Korean missile launches is friction with the United States and South Korea.	United
AskReddit	What is the best Subway sandwich?	Subway
gaming	5 awesome Gaming Documentaries you can watch on Youtube right now.	Youtube
gaming	Pokemon Omega Ruby Gameplay Citra 3DS Emulator	Omega
worldnews	China's Huawei donates to Nigerians displaced by Boko Haram	Huawei
movies	Ghost In The Shell - Official HD Trailer #2 - Paramount Pictures	Shell
funny	Buck Rogers re-boot begins filming at the Grammys	Rogers
worldnews	Undercover BBC Panorama report reveals privatised prison chaos	BBC
nottheonion	Cheating Frenchman sues Uber for unmasking affair	Uber
mildlyinteresting	My hot sauce from Taco Bell doesn't have anything to say	Bell
news	Cheating Frenchman sues Uber for unmasking affair Businessman is seeking damages of up to €45m from Uber over wife’s discovery of his extra-marital trips	Uber
pics	From 8x8px portraits to 'Enlarge and enhace' versions using Google Brain.	Google
worldnews	A law proposing children as young as nine be jailed for crimes is “wrong from every angle”, the head of the United Nations children’s agency in the Philippines has warned	United
gaming	Just Intel Graphic Thing.	Intel
Futurology	How Chinese Internet Giant Baidu Uses AI And Machine Learning	Baidu
funny	New Target Commercial Accidentally Forms Walmart Logo	Walmart
funny	New Target Commercial Accidentally Forms Walmart Logo	Target
videos	FAST Takeoff & IMMEDIATE Right Turn - KLM Boeing 747-400 PH-BFL Takeoff from St. Maarten	Boeing
nottheonion	Cheating Frenchman sues Uber for unmasking affair	Uber
mildlyinteresting	My omelette vaguely resembles The United States.	United
AskReddit	In this Facebook age, what can be considered as NOT mainstream?	Facebook
science	AGU AMA: Hi Reddit, I'm Dave Petley, author of The Landslide Blog and Vice-President Research and Innovation at the University of Sheffield in the United Kingdom. I'm here to talk about the science and management of natural hazards and disasters. AMA!	United
photoshopbattles	PsBattle: Man posing on a Porsche 914	Porsche
television	Russell Brand to guest star in BBC comedy Hospital People	BBC
AskReddit	Everything on your Facebook Profile suddenly becomes public. What happens?	Facebook
gaming	I think it's time for my local Target to get an update	Target
Showerthoughts	With the return of Verizon Unlimited Data they should steal back the "Can you hear me now?" Guy from Sprint.	Verizon
mildlyinteresting	Every time my coworker reopens our Google Doc, Google assigns him a different anonymous ID. I took screenshots over the course of an hour yesterday to catalog his various identities.	Google
todayilearned	TIL The Jay Treaty, signed in 1794, provides that American Indians may travel freely across the Canadian-US border. Native Indians born in Canada are entitled to freely enter the United States for the purpose of employment, study, retirement, investing, and/or immigration.	United
personalfinance	In the middle of paying on a 24 month 0% interest Lowe's card, will another purchase mess that up?	Lowe's
mildlyinteresting	One legged roofing contractor. Total badass.	Total
worldnews	Hamas hardliner Yehiya Sinwar elected as Gaza leader - BBC News	BBC
worldnews	World Press Photo 2017: Russia envoy killing picture wins award - BBC News	BBC
Music	One year to the day since young, promising UK band Viola Beach and their manager died in a car crash whilst on tour. BBC tribute.	BBC
DIY	How to cheat at built-in bookcases. Trimming in a face-frame for IKEA Billy units.	IKEA
Showerthoughts	These days our world needs a Clark Kent a lot more than a Superman.	Kent
todayilearned	TIL 50% of adults in the United States cannot read a book written above a 7th grade level	United
funny	Horse Dance & Camel Dance Cattle Fair in Rajasthan, India	Camel
movies	New Ghost in the Shell trailer is badass but kind of gives away the entire movie	Shell
food	Rose Apple Pie Homemade	Apple
movies	The Lego Batman Movie isn't about Donald Trump, but it has lessons for him anyhow	Lego
movies	The Lego Batman Movie isn't about Donald Trump, but it has lessons for him anyhow	Lego
movies	The Lego Batman Movie isn't about Donald Trump, but it has lessons for him anyhow	Lego
worldnews	Taiwan tour bus crash kills many - BBC News	BBC
personalfinance	Question about Target Date Funds in my 401K	Target
AskReddit	Legal immigrants of the United States, what is your opinion on illegal immigration?	United
AskReddit	If each United State of America had its own superpower, what would it be and why?	United
worldnews	Tanzania tourist guide charged over 'twisted translation' - BBC News	BBC
todayilearned	TIL Coca-Cola was originally green	Coca-Cola
photoshopbattles	PsBattle: sneakers Target commercial	Target
gaming	My punchout / Mike Tyson memorabilia	Tyson
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: What economic leverage does China have now over United States trade policy?	United
mildlyinteresting	This strawberry kind of looks like the United States of America	United
AskReddit	What is your go to McDonald's order?	McDonald's
pics	Gordon Ramsey just rated this on Twitter as "Idiot sandwich"	Twitter
Jokes	The United States of America	United
movies	Box Office Week: The Lego Batman Movie opens to #1 with a strong if underwhelming $55.6 mil. Fifty Shades Darker opens at #2 with $46.7 mil, a $38 mil drop from the first film's opening. Finally John Wick surprises opening to an excellent $30 mil at #3, more than double the original film's opening.	Lego
Futurology	Dubai aims to launch hover-taxi by July - The test of the one-man electric vehicle comes as the city state in the United Arab Emirates seeks to ensure a quarter of its means of transport are self-driving by 2030.	United
news	Pakistan capital bans Valentine's Day - BBC News	BBC
AskReddit	How does Siri compare to OK Google and is there a third party app that's even better?	Google
Documentaries	What Happened to America Online? 2017 - The interesting tale of what was once the largest ISP in the United States CC	United
worldnews	Hundreds gather 75 years after World War Two Channel Dash - BBC News	BBC
mildlyinteresting	This McDonald's near my house.	McDonald's
pics	What the hell is Nike playing at???	Nike
todayilearned	TIL Winston Churchill and Charlie Chaplin were friends. On one occasion, Churchill taught Chaplin how to do brick laying, which was one of Winston's favourite hobbies.	Winston
AskReddit	Why doesn't the United States have a "singles day" like china?	United
food	I ate El Celler De Can Roca - Three-star Michelin Restaurant in Girona, Catalonia	Michelin
mildlyinteresting	Seaglass found in Newport Beach, CA	Newport
personalfinance	Vanguard Target Retirement 2060 - questions about dividens	Target
worldnews	Crossing the border: US migrants seek refugee status in Canada - BBC News	BBC
news	Josh Elliott dramatically fired from CBS News	CBS
gaming	Sonic art, By Tyson hesse	Tyson
AskReddit	What do you spend your Google Opinion Reward credits on?	Google
news	Weak U.S. laws allow Chinese labs to flood U.S. cities with drugs United States Postal Service	United
todayilearned	TIL Volkswagen cheated on their emissions devices another time back in 1973	Volkswagen
mildlyinteresting	When searching on Google for comedian "Spike Milligan", I get "Peter Sellers" as the result	Google
explainlikeimfive	ELI5: Why does Microsoft refuse to provide support for animated wallpapers? Isn't that a natural progression?	Microsoft
mildlyinteresting	This Taco Bell hot sauce packet has no witty comment	Bell
AskReddit	what is the strangest thing you have even seen when looking on Google Earth?	Google
funny	Thanks for the breaking news, UPS Woldship	UPS
videos	Surprisingly great karaoke in an Uber ride.	Uber
Jokes	If Apple made a car....	Apple
gaming	A user made Canon in D in a music composition game Kinacoustic	Canon
funny	This is why BT are so shit	BT